Widow Rant!!!!! Number 2

Widow Rant!!!!!You don't have to read this 

Talking to many of my younger widowed friends with young children over the last few years and there seems to be a huge misconception in the general community.

The misconception you ask? Because they are widowed they are unable to now raise their children without the support of their deceased husbands.

This makes me shake my head in wonder at the strange and Victorian beliefs that still linger in society today. No one thinks twice about single parents of either gender raising children alone. A divorced parent is not considered incapable of raising the children of the marriage either, so why is it that so many believe a widowed person is incapable of raising his or her children?

I have met many young widowed and their children and after the first few days of intense grief they move forward and adjust to their new normal. The children grow up still knowing that the parent who is no longer here still loves them, they know that the parent who is still living is going all out to do their very best for them and those kids are well adjusted, bright and lively kids. In some cases they are better behaved than some kids in families where there are two parents.

It is a hangover from the 1800's to treat a widowed person as if they are incapable of raising their kids alone. Back then a widowed person was encouraged to marry again as soon as possible to enable them to have someone who can help them raise their family. A widower was always encouraged to marry another woman fast as it was considered impossible for him to raise children alone.

We are now in the 21st century. Attitudes should change. So many families are now different to the way they were structured then. We have families where we have two parents, families with just a Mum or just a Dad, all these families work, so please let the widowed sort out their families for themselves. If we do need help most of us are quite capable of asking for that help.

Widow Rants

Hello everyone, I know I've been missing for a while. Well now I'm back and back with a new idea and new project.

This project has come from many chats with widows and widowers. I have decided to publish frequently the rants which I have started to indulge in publicly on my personal Facebook page.

WIDOW RANT!!!! 

Long overdue rant coming up, you don't have to read it.
Conversation today with a couple of widow friends, all of us under 60 and all of us have passed the four year mark now.

We all have others telling us how to live, who we can have as friends and lovers and what we should be doing with our lives. I am about to blow this crap right out of the water.

Just because our husbands have died it gives no one, family, friend or anyone else, the right to dictate how we live and who is part of our lives. Too many people feel that just because we are no longer married it gives them the automatic and paternalistic right to decide for us. 

1.You don't have the right to decide where I will live
2. I do not give you the right to decide if I will stay single, remarry or take a lover
3. You do not have the right to inflict your life decisions on me
4. You do not have the right to decide who my friends are
5. No one has the right to dictate another's path through life

We will live the way that suits us, our children and our code of ethics.

If you don't like those decisions then you know where the door is, we don't need you in our lives.

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Today would have been Keith's 82nd birthday and it for me is going to be a day of quiet reflection back over the years to the many birthdays we shared with each other. The special birthday's over the 27 years of our lives together have come and gone but the vivid memories of the days spent with family to celebrate our special days linger on and bring a sad kind of joy to my heart and mind.

80 years old, how on earth we got you there I will never know, through out all your illnesses though and despite all the trails and tribulations of the years you had made it. The morning of your birthday, Thursday, 15 July 2010, you had woken and said to me, "I made it, I made 80 and I woke up today." That smile and those simple words said it all, the fear you held of not making it or of making it to that day and not waking up were patent. We both knew that your time was limited and that the probability of your next birthday being reached was just not there. This proved to be true.......

It seems such a long time ago since we celebrated your 80th birthday with friends and family in the back yard at home, but was only a very brief 5 months and five days before your death. We both knew at the time that this would be your last birthday and although it brought sadness it also brought joy as this was the birthday that no one expected you to reach. For 25 years we had Doctors tell us that your future was bleak, that you may not live much longer or that you would possibly die within hours or days. You had fought back from all those things and now your time was drawing near. This though was to be a day for celebration of life, your life, and there was to be no sadness allowed.

The party had been planned for weeks and as your birthday had fallen during the week we planned it for the Saturday and sent out the invitations well in advance. Family of course were the very first to accept, those of them who could come did so and those tethered by distance sent their love and regrets, but would be with us in spirit. So many friends came to spend time with you that day too and for that I will always be grateful. 

The joy on your face that day was extra special, you had reached the goal you set so many years ago and although frail you were not going to miss out on your party for anyone. The excitement was plain for everyone to see and as you sat in an arm chair brought out to the garden for you you watched with pride as the children played around the yard and your friends and family gathered to chat and to spend what most of us knew would be your last birthday with you.

That day is still vivid for me now and will always remain etched in memory and as we settled you down for the night that night the joy in your face amidst the tired lines told a story of a day spent just the way you always wanted.

Rest in Peace Keith, you are loved and missed by many, but most of all by myself and Missy, your dog....

All rights reserved - Copyright - Dawn Millen Author of Widowhood 101

Difficult Day

Today has been one of those days where writing is difficult because of the emotional drain it puts on me. Writing the story of your life and being honest without over dramatizing is not always an easy thing to do and the book I am currently working on is just the type of book that takes me back into a kind of hell that I never want to live through again.


I am currently working on the book that is the foundation book for the Widowhood Series of books and tells of the journey through caring for 25 years to death. This book has chronicled the life I shared with my husband Keith and although I am more than half way through the time period there is more than half the book to write.

The last eight years of Keith's life were not only the most difficult to live they are the hardest to write about. So many times we did not think he would be here for much longer and so many times he bounced back. Each bounce though was a little lower in height and took a little longer than the last. Now I come to write about it I realise how difficult things had been during those years and how much we both made light of the problems and issues we did have with his health.

Thinking about it today as I wrote though, I did get an insight into our relationship and into the bond that formed between us along the way. We were twin souls and as such were just always going to be there for the other. Nothing and no one could ever step between the love we bore one another then. The loss of Keith was like losing part of myself and although I have lost that part I am now healing and becoming whole again.

The strength of the love that we bore each other is what enabled me to care for Keith right to the end and with the help of some wonderful friends and family we achieved his much wanted ambition to die at home surrounded by people who loved him and his animals. This we did and I wish to thank Fred, Linda, Kryssy, Doug, Bob, Jo and Tammy for their wonderful support through those last days and weeks of Keith's life. Without you all this dream, Keith's dream, would not have been possible. I also want to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the Palliative Care Team at Manning Base Hospital, the Doctors from Access Health Care, Taree and the wonderful care team from Baptist Community Care who all played a part in those last years, weeks and days of Keith's life. I can't ever repay the kindness of our wonderful friends at New South Wales State Emergency Service either, both staff and volunteers were always only a telephone call away and support was always there for both of us.

I know that the strength I now have was born in the fires of caring for and nursing Keith through those 25 years and if I could do that then I can now move forward and do anything else that I want.

I do miss having my love around me, but my heart is open and healing now and there will always be room for other loves in my life. Keith wanted it so and so do I.

Now I return to my writing refreshed and ready to start another chapter in this book of many words

Dawn 10 July 2012

The Story Behind the Story

The Story Behind The Books


My story and the story behind the Widowhood series of books is a simple yet powerful story of love, devotion and strength.....


My husband was diagnosed with throat cancer 25 years before his death and during the following 25 years I became not only his wife, I was his care giver, his medical advocate, best friend and soul mate. We travelled a road littered with sundry illnesses and with the experiences that most families have thrown in for good measure.


Ours was a May/December marriage with the age gap being 27 years, not that it ever bothered either of us very much we loved each other and though not a perfect marriage by any means it was a good one and we sustained each other through all the trails of illness, family disasters, deaths and even his own death at the end.


Keith died at home aged 80 years, 5 months and 5 days old. It was in the early hours of our Wedding Anniversary and I am sure that he held on until then just to spend that last few special hours with me. That shows how strong the bond was between us and how much love we bore each other.


I now write about the journey forward from that moment of incredible loss and pain. I write the story of healing for me. I write because I am compelled to write these books to share this journey and to give hope to those setting foot on the path to Widowhood that there is hope, you can get through this and you do gain strength from it.


For those who wish to read about this journey my books are available on smashwords.com along with the poetry books that I have been writing as a joyous release for my spirit since childhood. 


Have a great day
Dawn 

Why I Write

I made a concious decision to write about my journey through widowhood while my husband was dying. I wanted to be able to share the journey with others in the hopes that the path I have taken will help those along their journey.


Grief is not an easy path to walk and I also knew that by writing about the experiences that I have it may also trigger grieving for others too. This grief is a very necessary part of life and all life holds loss and therefore all loss holds grieving.


At the twelve month mark after the passing of my husband Keith I wrote a list of  twenty things I had learned during the time since he had died up to the present day. This list made it even more important that I write and formed the basis of the chapters of my first book Widowhood 101. This book was published in May 2012 at smashwords.com and is available also on Kobo. My diary entries formed the basis for my second book in the Widowhood series (102) and the third was written because of the grief work done by a friend who had read both of my books. I now intend to write at least three more books in the series and if prompted I will write more. The future books planned for the series will cover managing to live on a reduced income, raising children in widowed families and widow/widower dating. These books will follow along as quickly as I am able to research and type them up. 


I have always written and since the caregiver duties I had for Keith have ceased I have poured myself into both the Widowhood series and the poetry I also write. I never dreamed that I would publish my own books as a child, but always dreamed that one day I would be a writer. Now I am living my dream, working on the books that I want to get out there and feel that I have something valid to say. Experience is a great teacher and through both the blogs I intend to write here and the books and poetry both written and unwritten I hope to share life's journey with others. 


Books currently published are: 
Widowhood 101
Widowhood 102
Widowhood 103 This book is free to download
Poetry Books Published
Random Rhymes
Winter Memories
Everyday Poetry This book is free to download

Where to Find me on the net
Dawn Millen Author
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